// Evan’s Tips on Making It in the Big City//

People look at me rotten when I spit on the sidewalk, what do I do?
“You should spit in their eyes.”

“The five ways to get out of any situation definitely apply to the big city
1. start a cult
2. kill yourself
3. start an armed uprising
4. fake your own death
5. suck your own dick”

What if someone tries to mug me?
“Bite him. He’ll probably get scared that you’re a vampire or that you have HIV. Or you’ll get it from him. Either way, win/win.”

Where do I meet women?
“In Chi-town? Everywhere. I’m thinking they probably like dicks, so uh, show ‘em your dick.”

Final words?
“NEVER LET ‘EM SEE YOU SWEAT”